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Who We Are (In the unlikely event that you give a crap)
Ryan "Duck" Anderson
Ryan Anderson, from the time of his birth, laughed in the face of adversity as a troubled youth from inner-city Compton. From there, he broke free from gang life to pursue classical guitar, and paint with water colours.
After a bout with scurvy in the late eighties left him paralysed from the hair-line up, he travelled to Moscow to become personal fashion advisor to Yakov Smirnoff. After everyone in North America realized that Russians aren't really very funny (except that Gorbie : What a card!!), Ryan found himself out of a job and stranded in the centre of communism. To escape the fascist rule of King Akkababalar Rafsentjanni, the king of Siberia at this time, Ryan was forced to join a travelling freak show, as Binky, the world's tallest midget.
When the freak show finally came to Canada, Ryan ran from the show, and after killing a carny and spending three years working on a chain gang (Ooh, ah. Ooh, ah.) he finally found his niche as a wild and crazy guy that travelled the countryside singing of the days of yore.
Name : Ryan Anderson
Code Name : Spanky
Height : 5'7
Eyes : Of course!
Instrument : Guitar / Vocal
Speciality : Seduction
Agent ID : 69-4u
Andy "Sweet as Candy" Cook
Andrew is a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woo-maan. (Andrew Cook) Born unto a pack of spider monkeys, Andrew found himself shunned from modern society and welcomed only to Star Trek conventions, where he was constantly being dressed up like the Borg and hit on by fat Vulcans. After being "spocked" one too many times up the ass, (a manuever that consists of that stupid greeting with the split fingers and resulting in much pain and surprisingly little amounts of pleasure) Andrew decided to take his brand of talent somewhere he'd be apprciated: an all lesbian community! From there, he was quickly ostrascised for constant voyeurism and lesbian impersonation.
Afloat on the sea of life, and with no skills in anything but telling the difference between butter and "I Can't Believe it's not Butter!", Andrew decided to mooch off people with real talent; and when he couldn't find anyone who would put up with his radical, right-wing political humour and constant molestation, he joined forces with a young nubian named Ryan, who was also searching to find a stable foundation in this work-a-day world. Ryan was quickly drawn to Andrew's love for music and was quickly subdued by Andrew's sleeper hold; a move that he quaintly titled "The Nitey Nite".
Name : Andrew Cook
Code Name : The Weed Whacker
Height : 5'9
Eyes : Of course!! What a stupid question!!
Instrument : Vocals / Skin Flute (private shows only)
Specialty : A swirling tongue movement I call the "Roto-Thriller"
Agent ID : 00-"Heaven"
Mike "Worchestershire Sauce" Tracy
Name : Michael Tracy
Code Name : Sperm Burper
Height : 1'9
Eyes : None. Except for two. Your guess is as good as ours as to where they are.
Instrument : Bass, Trout, Cod, etc. (He also sucked at drums on the album. Now that we're famous we can afford a real drummer. Not that we pay him. And not that we're famous.)
Specialty : A really ripping recipe for chocolate chip muffins
Agent ID : 36-24-36
Ben "Laffy Taffy" Mahaffy
What the hell is this guy doing? You're out of the band!!
Actually, we just live in a really small town in Ontario, Canada. It's called Belleville, and it's the cheese capital of Canada. We just wanted to pretend we're somebody interesting for a little while. But Andrew and Ryan were both born in Ottawa. That's something special. Right? Isn't it?But, you ask, what is up with the Gruesome duo now? Well, you asked, we told. Check out all the details on the new and improved "Where are they now?" Page.
